The Way of Abusive Relationships

 I was recently struck by the following social media post by the noted pro-life advocate Abby Johnson:

Now, I have no idea whatsoever what Mrs. Johnson's level of familiarity with the Neocatechumenal Way is or isn't. Really, that isn't even relevant. What is relevant is that the Way does indeed happen to be one of those so-called "Christian groups" of which she speaks, thus prompting today's post.

In Catechetical Directory for Teams of Catechists, Vol. 1, Kiko writes:

Imagine I'm married and that I'm a Christian. I get home, I find the house dirty, there is nothing ready to eat because my wife has been busy with other things, or she has done something that has made me angry or she has hurt me... Or a man who arrives home very late and never thinks about his wife who is always at home alone working all day. He never takes her to the cinema; he never takes her out, etc. This woman begins to see that her husband doesn't love her. This man is unjust, he is selfish, he only lives for himself. Yes, this woman is right because her husband never helps her; he never bothers about the children etc. She is right to protest, she is absolutely right...

If this woman is Christian and her husband has sinned against her, if she has chosen Jesus Christ and not Barabbas, she forgives her husband, she lets herself be killed by her husband's sin, she lets herself be crucified by his sin. (p. 149)

He continues:

And when are your wife, your children, your co-workers, your boss your enemies? When they have attitudes which destroy you, when they are not as you would like them to be. And what, precisely, shows that you have overcome death? The fact that you go through death, letting yourself be killed by the defects of the other person, which destroy you. You don't do violence any more. If it has been 13 years since your husband took you to the cinema, you no longer have to pull a long face to get him to take you. You understand that if he doesn't take you, it is because he doesn't like to or want to go. Certainly he is a sinner who leaves you on your own, but you love him exactly as he is, exactly there where he kills you. Now you are no longer worried about being loved. (p. 390)

If Kiko's own teachings to his catechists seem too tame for you, I direct you to these further examples from The Thoughtful Catholic:

Do Not Resist Evil, Part 1 and Part 2, which discuss in depth (including more direct quotes from Kiko) the Neocat teaching to never resist evil, as well as the faulty scriptural exegesis from which that teaching derives.

Total Submission, which discusses a fabricated but nonetheless illustrative and widely-circulated story of what Neocats believe to be the "model Christian woman."

I also offer a personal anecdote from when I attended the initial catechesis. On the second night, one of the catechists (a seminarian from the local Redemptoris Mater) recounted a story (real or invented, it doesn't matter) of a woman who had a cheating, abusive husband. Because of this, she had no concept of Christlike love. And then, "when she came to these talks" (because that's always the turnaround, you know), she understood that she needed to love her husband no matter what. So when he came home with AIDS, she welcomed him home and let him give her AIDS, too. His abuse, his infidelity, and his disease didn't matter anymore. This same seminarian retold a shorter version of this story the following night, but this time the man's abuse also extended to his children. The wife "never expects him to change" and "learns to love like Christ." Then, several nights later, a wife accepting her husband's abuse was brought up again--this time with the amazing caveat (also alluded to in the "Total Submission" story above) that by letting herself be abused, the wife would actually convert her husband through her faithful witness of Christian love.

I have also heard stories (which I have no reason to doubt) of women who have spoken of abusive husbands in the confessional to the pastor of my former parish. His response consistently runs along the lines of: "Til death do you part. Deal with it."

Allow me to echo Abby Johnson, and the Catholic Church, when I say: If you are in an abusive relationship, you do not have to stay!

The Catechism of the Catholic Church states:

Love toward oneself remains a fundamental principle of morality. Therefore it is legitimate to insist on respect for one's own right to life. (CCC 2264)

And:

The separation of spouses while maintaining the marriage bond can be legitimate in certain cases provided for by canon law. (CCC 2383)

The relevant canons referenced here by the Catechism are 1151-1155, particularly:

If either of the spouses causes grave mental or physical danger to the other spouse or to the offspring or otherwise renders common life too difficult, that spouse gives the other a legitimate cause for leaving, either by decree of the local ordinary or even on his or her own authority if there is danger in delay. (Canon 1153.1)

(For the interested armchair canonist, a suitable commentary and reflection on these canons can be found here.)

In the 2002 document, When I Call for Help, the US Bishops also affirm:

We emphasize that no person is expected to stay in an abusive marriage. Some abused women believe that church teaching on the permanence of marriage requires them to stay in an abusive relationship. They may hesitate to seek a separation or divorce... We encourage abused persons who have divorced to investigate the possibility of seeking an annulment. An annulment, which determines that the marriage bond is not valid, can frequently open the door to healing.

If you or someone you know is feeling stuck in an abusive relationship--whether involved in the Neocatechumenal Way or not--please know that you are not alone and that healing is possible.

(As a starting point for a variety of resources for growth and healing, you can check out our earlier blog post on that precise subject).